ready, steady, go
When I get it in my mind that something needs to be done, I don’t stop. I do it.
I’m learning to sloooow down, but I don’t stop. I mean, I might stop remembering where my phone is 18 times a day, and I might stop halfway through making dinner and end up outside pulling weeds, but if something needs to be done for the sake of a broken heart or wounded soul, it’s on.
(With occasional “stops” for naps because this one time I heard something about self-care or a your-own-oxygen-mask first kind of thing.)
I do realize that not every job is mine. I mean, I’m only one middle-aged woman. (No, no. I don’t mean that middle-aged women cannot take on very much, I actually think we might be taking on the very most of everyone at this time because it’s just that way; the demands in this stage if life, they are aplenty. And we midlife women are stronger and wiser then we have been so far and so we are called on, to spread our knowledge and all our mad skills.)
Anyway.
What I mean is that I cannot possibly be the helper for every hurting person, but some just call out to you. Your heart-gut lets you know who is meant for you. People’s problems are their problems, not mine, I do remember this. But still, some people are very alone in their problems and then it seems to me that the God of my undersatnding is like,
tap tap
Excuse me, Heather…you need to be right over there in five minutes to act as if you are me for a while, thanks, I’m very busy, see you soon.
AND I HEAR THIS MESSAGE.
Am I clairoveyent? I don’t know. I’m something. Or something else. Maybe we all have this ability if we let it stay awake. You will notice it, this burning within. This one is mine to help.
This can happen in small ways, like on a recent trip when a very drunk woman who appeared to be in her late 70’s/early 80’s crossed my path and everyone else was pretending to not notice her stumbling all around. So then I stopped her from falling over a bike rack onto her face. I had to stay there to hold the bike rack in place with my foot on the bottom bar and my hands on the top bar while my new friend held on and heaved. It felt like she was trying very hard to tip us both, but she wasn’t. Once she no longer felt like barfing, we had a nice talk. I told her I’ve been sober 12 years and not to be embarrassed because “Caroline, believe me. I’ve been right here where you are. Some of us have “stop” buttons that don’t work.” She thanked me by putting her long veiny fingers over my long veiny fingers and staring at our pile of hands for a while. She thought it was a good idea to start walking to her hotel but I said, “Look at you…I’m thinking that might now work. Let’s get someone to bring you a glass of water instead, and find a place to sit.”
This has also happened with my mom. Well, not the drunk part, but the helping part. She doesn’t really want my impulsive can’t-be-stopped help all the time, she just sort of has to deal with it anyway. This morning I got that nudge like NOW IS THE TIME so I got that feisty woman in the shower and it felt like the most triumphant miraculous victory. After she was all ready and in the shower, I high fived my dad and flew out the front door and did a running dance all the way to the car where the kids were waiting. They couldn’t believe I had pulled it off. You see, people with Alzheimer’s really really hate to shower, so they go a very long time without getting clean and they tell you right off if you bring it up and what are you going to do, drag them? I don’t know how I got her in there, when she says no to everything I suggest, but it included turning on the water to just the right temperature and then lying to her face, telling her she told me she would take a shower today. She felt like she should keep her word, but she was quite annoyed.
I want to believe my mom felt a whole lot less greasy and maybe even refreshed after she rinsed off, or whatever she decided to do in there. I want to believe that the tap taps I get are magic, straight up. Because it isn’t about me, is it? It’s about the inner guide, a vision, feet moving and arms outstretched.
